Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I am simply amazed at how one day can differ from the next. Yesterday it seemed I could not be still. All day long my mind wandered and found a place somewhere that I could not escape. The day seemed like it went on forever. And then when I got Quinn to sleep, I decided I would go to bed early myself. Wouldn't ya know about 15 mins into my sleeping he made a loud enough wimper that it woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep for another 2 1/2 hours. I think the restless nights are the hardest thing to get used to. When Andrea was here, I would just reach over and touch her arm as we slept. Not only do I have to worry bout getting my face licked these days by Riley(even though Andrea never did that I can only imagine it would be better than Riley licking me), but I also now understand what frustrates women about their man when they are the one's responsible for having to be "on call" for sleep schedule.

All of this is definately adding to the appreciation I have for what most women are left alone to do. For some reason guy's just don't gravitate towards nurturing a child like a woman would. I know myself included, the first 3 months of an infant is scary. So fragile and my hands were so big. It is very humbling to learn how to be so gentle with such a small child. I am just glad I have a boy that I can say "quit whining" to. A girl I am sure I would treat like a doll. I am not trying to make excuses for men, but it really isn't in our nature to think of a child like a woman does.

I am very proud of Quinn when he accomplishes something. But really, it's no big deal. God willing, he will walk/talk and everything else. While the first time is great, I personally, and as a large population of men, do not get "giddy" about those things. Yes it was cool that when I walked in to get him yesterday morning that he waved to me, but I know that's just the beginning.

Another struggle as a man is going places with a baby. Guy's already have a hard time going to lunch or to the park or other non engaging places alone. Now throw a kid into the mix where ya go and hang out with a bunch of women. No thanks. I just don't see us having too much to talk about. Unless they wanna talk sports. Then I may fall in love with them. Which would lead to divorce which wouldn't be good. So no, I will stay away from playdates.

Ok while I am on it, how about going shopping. Seriously. I wish I wasn't someone who knew God would send me to eternal damnation. Because the amount of women who throw themselves at Quinn's blue eyes is ridiculous. And just because of percentages of women coming at us, I know that I need to keep a pure mind. It prob wouldn't be so bad, if 1) the "puppies" were kept in their cage and also if some of the women didn't come across so desperate. I know that I am far from "a catch", somehow I "snagged" Andrea so I know I got something going for me. But I have heard enough "oh I wish my ________ was more like you"; Just because they don't really know their man or me. Or know how hard it is for us to be doting and loving like a lady would.

I don't speak for all men, but I can speak for most when I say we as men need certain things in life. Respect-Honor-Validation(RHV). A lot of men find some if not all of those things in their work, or sports or hobbies. If you want your man to be a little softer and a little more what you want and a little more into you, let him find those 3 things he is looking for in his wife.

Unfortunately the chore of trying to have the wife be the one responsible for filling her husbands RHV tank, is just as hard as the mans job to "Love his wife as Christ loved the church". And if you know the bible you know the chuch pissed Jesus off on numerous occasions but He somehow found a way to forgive her, love her and lay down His life for her.

While Andrea is gone I must survive on the "thought" of her only to fill my RHV tank. She didn't do all that good of a job at filling it when she was here so sometimes it's hard to focus on what's most important and what I have been using for a long time, it's worth repeating: "the mans job to "Love his wife as Christ loved the church". And if you know the bible you know the chuch pissed Jesus off on numerous occasions but He somehow found a way to forgive her, love her and lay down His life for her."

Never that I know of in the bible is the woman told to love her husband. Just fill his RHV. Only we men must love our wives.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Why I love my wife.

Last Saturday Andrea called and left me a messege that she wasn't sure when she would be able to call again. In her voice I could hear her fighting desperately to hold back the tears. She is an unbelievable strong woman, but she still hurts occasionally. Normally kryptonite is involved. On her messege all she left was her address. Nothing else. So each night since then I have written and mailed her daily. That's why I have lacked the blogs. Knowing her she will end up all pissed off at me for being all loved dovey and concerned, but what the heck, someone has to be the emotional one in this relationship. As to the topic of this blog.....

The reason I love my wife is simple. She's really hot. I am reminded of that as I look at one of our wedding pictures on my desk. I really am amazed at the beauty of the woman I married. The best part is she looks the same whether we are at a fancy dinner or she just rolled out of bed. Ok so she's not so beautiful when cranky but as long as I am not doing anything but breathing, she's good.

Of course there is more to her than that. I definately see what God wanted to get across in Prov 31 when it speaks of a beauty that needs nothing to make it stand out. But the truely best part about her and the part I love about her, is the part I hate most. She is my opposite. I didn't really realize how much she completed me til she was gone, kinda like that ol saying. I find myself all to often in a position where I am like "Oh Crap what do I do?" Some people would say pray about it. But really I know God doesn't want me to bother Him with stuff that should be common sense. So instead I ask myself "WWAD- What Would Andrea Do". She is so organized and thinks so straight forward, that she mellows my jumbled driving in circles self. If not for her I don't know how I would manage anything.

I wanted to get something to eat tonight so I didn't have to cook since I didn't have the kids for an hour, but I asked myself WWAD and what do ya know, I saved $10. Whenever I have something that is time sensitive or of some kind of importance, I find myself doing it like Andrea would rather than just putting it off. Maybe it's all the time I have on my hands. I dunno, but I think I can say that in our 4 yrs I have learned a thing or 2. Ok, maybe just 1 thing. Now I just have to learn the other 9,876,345,274 things she wants me to do we may have a chance.

They say opposites attract. I dunno if that's true but I know that I need Andrea.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


I mentioned briefly about letting my beard grow and the garden I have planted. Here is a little insight behind the 2.

My beard, it's a spiritual thing. Kinda like a daily reminder of the fact that I am not clean and that I am sinful. I have done this in the past with my beard and it helped me lose 45 lbs. I am hoping that this summer I can add another 45 lbs to that as well as work on a couple more areas in my life. I plan on continuing to let it grow until Andrea gets home in Sept or Oct.

As for the garden, well that's quite a bit deeper. I have for some time had a hankering to have a farm of some sort with as much acreage as we can afford. I have become a believer in learning to work the land. I believe that one day, only God knows when, there will be a war like we haven't ever seen on this planet. And during that time people will be fending for themselves. I feel that to some extent it is my obligation to my kids to learn how to survive so I can teach them and they can pass it on. And if it isn't for 10 more generations til they REALLY need it, I can say I planted the seed, figuratively and literally.

On the more surface level behind my garden. I get bored easily. I have been in landscaping and working outdoors in some capacity for almost 15 yrs. I recently sold my lawn business just shy of owning 6 yrs. I want to be able to provide my family some healthy food of course, and also share it. I am COMPLETELY baffled at how there could be a SINGLE person on this planet who wants to eat that can't. Speaking ONLY to the group of people who are saved, it is our responsibility to feed the hungry and give rest to the weary. Of course discretion can be used for people who don't want to help themselves, but the large majority of those who are hungry don't have a choice and they are stuck on some level.

This evening my friends Mike and Michele came over with their daughter and Michele's cousin. We spent about 2 hours working in the garden together. Tonight we planted 2 types of tomatos(reg and cherry), peppers(bell, banana, jalapeno), peas, sunflowers and eggplant. I had already planted carrots, squash, cantaloupe, cucumbers, potatos and beans. Still to be planted are corn, pumpkin and watermelon.

Andrea told me if I ever wanted a farmlike garden, I better grow something here first, so the way I see it, I got a pretty good shot at getting "something" to grow. And since I have all this time on my hands, I have the time to LET IT GROW and take care of it.

I see through gardening a lesson of patience. I am an instant gratificatation person. I really would much rather go to wally world and get my groceries. But deep down inside me there is something trying to claw it's way out. God has been moving in my life for quite some time to get back to the basics. He has been telling me that so much of what I have is insignificant. And it's all the things that for so long meant so much to me.

Here I am now at 31 years old, and up until 3 months ago, I would have never guessed I would be a house husband. 2 years ago, I would have puked at the thought of a farm. 4 years ago I would have not had what it takes to stay humble during this time apart from my wife. 8 years ago I would have mocked God. 10 years ago, being a father wasn't a thought. Look at me now. Guess all I can do is LET IT GROW!!!!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Refined in the fire.

I am told God doesn't give us more than we can handle.
I am told when God brings us to it, He will bring us through it.
I am told that for every obstacle conquered, the obstacles will progressively get more difficult but the reward will also increase.

So far in my life these words have been true. The things that I saw as insurmountable in the past, now look like easy tasks compared to life that lies ahead.

Tonight is the first night that I haven't spoken to Andrea since she left for basic training 1 week ago today. And it's ironic that today is the first day I am struggling with life without her here with me. You must understand that she completes me. She is absolutely everything I am not. She grounds me and keeps me from getting into too much trouble. We are also as different as night and day. But a better analogy could be like "a lighter and gasoline". Our marriage has been a challenge to say the least. 6 months into it I was handed divorce papers. Another time we were technical difficulties away from seperating. We are both pretty stubborn, but I must say that the years have taught us how to bend and be willing to be selfless instead of selfish. Kinda like how Andrea is being selfless to serve our country in order to defend it and be able to offer our children more to life than we had.

Some may not agree with this, but thankfully it has become something my wife and I are trying really hard to keep in mind is that divorce is not an option. We made a commitment to stay married. No matter what. It's been hard to keep that up "all" the time as far as the thought entering our minds, but I think that we have come to the point that we know God is using her and I as a couple to do something. By no means are we naive and believe in settling, and that to me is what has made our journey so fun. I think we try to make it a priority to teach our children humility by seeing us admit when we are wrong. But it's usually me apologizing more. She is such a patient woman to deal with me.

Writing tonight has served it's purpose. It allowed me to regain my focus and remember that the sacrifice I am making is nothing compared to what my wife is doing. But more importantly the sacrifice that God made for us by allowing Jesus to carry our burdens when He died on that cross. I am so thankful that I have faith in a God who brings me not only to things but through them. A God who carries me when I am not able to do it.

Life is only going to be here for a moment. I know that I only have a short time to leave my impact on this world. Wether it be just from raising my boys, or whatever else God wants to bring me to. I am committed to my wife and trusting that God knows what He is doing. I have been a participant in too many of His victorious battles to not be able to recognize that He is doing something now for Andrea and I that we couldn't grasp the magnitude of His plans for us.

Monday, April 5, 2010

The Intro

Over the years I have found it very useful to journal/write/blog, whatever you want to call it, to help me get through tough obstacles and also to slow down and ponder my life and put it into perspective. I think for sure right now life is calling for some words from my heart.
For those of you that don't know me, my name is Wayne, I am 31 yrs old. This June I will have been married to my wife,Andrea, whom I only dated for 4 months before we got hitched, for 4 UNBELIEVABLE years. Unbelievable on SO many different levels too. (Which I am sure as blogs go on I will elaborate more on.)
I have a 9 y/o boy named Kyle who is just like I was when I was his age. Too smart for his own good if ya know what I mean. I have had custody of him for 5 or 6 yrs now. I fought an amazingly grueling fight against a flawed and incompetant, yet extremely overworked/underpaid/underappreciated "system". His mom left me and took him when he was 9 months old and I didn't see him for 2 yrs and then very seldom for the next 18 months when the state took him from his mom and my parents helped out.(Which again, as blogs go on I will elaborate more.)
My wife and I had our son Quinn last June and he is now nine months old. (Which of course updating life and the growth of a child is a great blog, that's not this but I will share as time goes on.)
I have some very strong political/patriotic views, which are then compounded with an extremely crazy view of religion today and my own personal walk with God. A tidbit in my mind is this: Politics-I will be 110% behind whoever is in charge. County/City/State/Federal, whoever is an elected official. I will see them next election and be thankful for the time they served. As for religion- I consdier myself a Christian, but question my salvation, because I know right from wrong and still choose to do wrong. I know that I am a VERY flawed sinful person. I consider myself having a WAY better chance at spending my life in hell than most, because my convictions run SO deep. Only praying for God's mercy on my soul. Hoping He sees how much I struggle with wanting to do what's right. I also put the blame for the state of our country and world on us who claim to be Christians. If all of us who say we are really were, then why do we still have hungry and homeless people? It's not like there is a small portion of the world's popualtion that is Christian. We are an army. So why again is is this country especially, hurting so much. I question our church leaders for entertaining the public more than they educate. (This will once again, will be elaborated more on in the future. And boy it should be interesting. But it's not what makes my blog worth reading.)
So here it is, with all I have shared so far, I have left out that my extremely "out of my league" wife, who really is my soulmate because she completes me by being the exact opposite of me in every way possible, she has left me here with the boys, to join the US Army at 30 years old. Which I personally find it to be divine intervention that Quinn is 9 months old, the EXACT same age Kyle was when I missed being a dad. Today that's almost all I am since she is gone. And I can't help but to thank God for not only allowing me this honor to stay home, but for the honor of the challenges and experiences that will come in the next 6mos initially and then however Uncle Sam sees fit. I am a very big believer in divine intervention. It has happened in my life on WAY TOO MANY occasions to remember them all. But I will do my best and share them with whoever wants to hear them. I even think some people may be able to pull something away from what God has brought me through, for their own live's. So if you feel it useful, pass my page along.
I should say, while for privacy reasons I may not share everything, I try to wear myself on my sleeve as much as possible. Noone knows more than me exactly how flawed I am. Like I said my convictions are deep.

Oh ya... and the most fun about Andrea being away, there will be 2 things growing these next 6 mos until she gets out of training, 1 is my garden(I kinda wanna be a farmer like guy), and 2, I will be growing my beard and not touch it until she gets home. I am doing this for a lot of different reasons. Mainly because I love my wife and it is one way of showing my love and support to her. However weird it may be.